Relationship Expectations
Relationships are both a blessing and can be increasable hard. And one element that complicates relationships is that they are all so different. What works in one relationship doesn’t work in another. How I interaction in this one doesn’t work in the other. It’s helpful to remember that we are complex as humans and so relationships also have a complexity to them. But when I notice I’m continually hurt, disappointed or confused in a relationship, I find that one question seems to be incredibly helpful in assessment process.
What Type of Relationships is this Person Capable of Having?
It can seem like an easy question on the surface but really working to answer it can change the trajectory of any relationship. We can tend to look at all relationships the same way and even want the same thing out of every one of them. We may enjoy relationships where we connect deeply and spend quality time together sharing deeper heart things but not everyone is capable of that or even safe to do that with. Taking time to assess…
How does this person respond when I share vulnerable things?
What are the patterns I notice?
Do I see a pattern where they try to fix or rescue me?
Do I notice a pattern where they turn the conversation back to them after I share something vulnerable?
Do they every share back anything about their life with me?
Many people are not capable of connecting this way in relationships and so expecting this form someone can lead to a lot of undue hurt and pain and put strain on the relationships.
Levels of Relationships
Sometimes people are only capable of having surface level relationships. They work best planning activities, having things to do that hold space and time in such a way that connecting is around doing things together. Talking and connecting on deeper issues, resolving conflict and addressing irritations seems to set the person over the edge. Recognizing a person relates best around shared activities is a game changer in a relationship. We have to grieve and let go and of the type of relationship we wanted with this person but meet then were they are and what they are capable of in a relationship.
Sacrificing Time and Energy
Another area is commitment to sacrificing time or energy for the relationships.
Do I notice I’m hurt often as they cancel plans over and over, I’m the one traveling to them, I sacrifice in the relationship but notice it only seems to be one sided?
Again, It can be helpful to recognizing is this person capable of having that type of commitment to a relationship?
Are they in a season where they value relationships?
Understanding that they might not value sacrificing for relationships in the season of life they are in. Many people get overwhelmed with daily life that prioritizing and valuing relationships is not even on their radar. It’s important we step back and see if my ongoing hurt and pain is really because I’m wanting something out of the relationship that this person is not wanting?
Changing Expectations
There are hundreds of ways this plays out, but if we really stop and evaluate our hurts, pains and confusion we just might find that it’s really not about us and more about what the other person is capable of. Changing our expectations may lead to having to grieve what you were after. But through this grieving process, we just might be able to enjoy and cherish the relationship even more. When we have an accurate expectation of the type of relationships a person is capable of having, we can enjoy what the relationships has to offer. And remember, people change. We change from season to season; we grow and value different things in each season of life so be open to the surprising change someone can offer you in another season of life.