Bitterness and Relationships

In relationships there are many times we are treated unfairly. Any it’s good and ok to feel anger and disappointment when this happens. But what happens when we don’t acknowledge our feelings and deal with them in healthy ways is it tends to lead to resentment. And resentments left to feaster turn into bitterness. As women, bitterness is something that many of us struggle with but have a hard time recognizing its existence in our lives.

7 Signs You Might Struggle With Bitterness

1.  You have imaginary conversations

2. You replay a conversation or experience over and over in your head

3. You feel the need to tell someone what he/she did 

4. You are easily offended by this person

5. You have strong negative emotional reactions to things they say and do around you 

6. You can remember details of things he/she said from months or years ago

7. You are keeping a list of offenses

Can you identify with these?  It’s helpful to remember that your bitterness is in response to real pain and hurt someone has done to you.  I’m sorry for the pain and hurt you are feeling and experiencing.

A Way to “Do Something”

Many of us are holding onto bitterness as a way to ‘do something’ about what was done to us.  We are wanting justice or vengeance for what was done to us. I get it, we want to hurt them for what they did to us.  Because it seems like they are ‘getting away with it’ if I let this wrong go. But is responding this way to a hurt done to you helping you or just keeping you entrapped to feelings of anger, resentment and hurt?  Being entrapped in bitterness is a vicious cycle that is hard to let go.

Steps to Break the Bitterness Cycle

• The first step toward breaking this cycle is to recognize you are bitter.

• The next step after you recognize you are struggling with bitterness is begin to interrupt your thoughts.  Take notice of them. We are just taking time to notice what is going on when we are having bitter thoughts. 

  • What are they telling you? Are you hurt over something done to you and you need to spend some time allowing yourself to grieve that hurt? Are you shaming yourself for having the thoughts you are having and caught in a shame and guilt cycle? Are you so frustrated at this person you fantasize about ways to make the problem go away?

• After you have recognized you are bitter, started listening to what the bitterness is telling you, then we take action. 

  • That action step might be counseling if your bitterness is toward a parent or spouse. Counseling can be helpful to identify the deeper issues going on. Working through the deeper issues behind the bitterness is likely going to be necessary in the process of healing. 

  • Another action step might be working to allow yourself to grieve by journaling through the pain and hurts and talking to God about these hurts. The Psalms of lament found in the book of Psalms offer good examples of people grieving and talking to God about their pain and hurt.