Gaslighting is when someone intentionally twists your perception of reality for their own gain. It’s a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else to question their own reality, memory or perceptions. The term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, where a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind. 

Gaslighting in Relationships

What does gaslighting sound like in a relationship?

• Oh come on. I never said that.

• You’re just being overly sensitive.

• I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this

• You must be confused again

• I was just joking

• You’re so dramatic 

• You need help 

• Just calm down 

• Why are you so defensive 

• Your overreacting 

Gaslighting Techniques

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s fact sheet, the techniques a gaslighter might use to manipulate someone else can include:

• Withholding (meaning he or she refuses to listen or says they don’t understand)

• Countering (when the abuser questions the gaslightee’s memory of an event)

• Blocking/diverting (when the abuser changes the subject or questions the victim’s thinking)

• Trivializing (making the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant)

• Forgetting/denial (when the manipulator pretends to have forgotten what actually happened or denies something he or she had previously agreed to)

Do gaslighters know they're doing it? It depends on the gaslighter, some do, some don’t.  But either way, they need help. In marriage, gaslighting is an extremely affecting form of emotional abuse that causes the victim to question their own feelings, instincts and sanity.  Often, I hear women say, ‘I feel like I’m going crazy’. 

Next Steps

What do I do if I’m in a relationship where gaslighting is present? 

1. Identify the problem.  Begin to recognize and name it.  The more you are aware of these techniques, the quicker you can identify them and avoid falling into the gaslighter's trap. 

2. Discerning Truth.  Journal out a conversation so you can take an objection look at it.  Where is the conversation veering off from reality into the other persons view?  Write down your feelings and notice any patterns, especially of denial.  

3. Don’t second guess yourself.  Gaslighting works in part by wearing you down. So be aware of when you begin to doubt what your gut tells you is true and real.  What do I really believe is going on?  

4. Seek help if gaslighting continues.  Since gaslighting can erode your self esteem, individual counseling can help you work to build back up your confidence and to learn the warning signs of gaslighting as well as help you determine next steps