Having a baby in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) is not how we typically envision motherhood beginning, it is not part of the plan. The experience can be extremely distressing, shocking, scary, and can be a place of devastation and trauma. Here are some of some of the normative emotions you may have felt (or still be feeling) concerning your baby’s NICU stay…

Grief

You have lost something that is important to you… When you imagined having your baby, you didn’t picture them laying in tiny incubator, separated from you by think plastic, unable to hold (or sometimes even touch them), you are unable to parent in a way that you would normally be able to, missing those crucial first moments of bonding and bliss. You experience the grief and loss of this special experience and what you thought the first days, weeks, or months of motherhood would be like.

Guilt

You can do EVERYTHING right and still end up in the NICU! Many mothers struggle with guilt that thought that they may have done something to cause their baby to spend time in the NICU. Maybe you are consumed with thoughts like, “Did I take the wrong medications? Did I miss some the signs that something was wrong? My body failed me in some way, so this must be my fault. I could have done something to prevent this from happening. Maybe this is a sign I am not cut out to be a mom.” These feelings of guilt can be overwhelming! Talk with your doctor and ask questions, you may or may not be able to pinpoint the exact reason why this happened, but it is important to give yourself the opportunity!

Depression

It can be extremely difficult to recognize the symptoms of depression when your experience with motherhood begins in the NICU. You are exhausted in more ways than you can, extremely emotional, driving back and forth from the hospital to home is taking it’s toll, your body is attempting to heal from delivery, and you are concerned about the new and fragile life you have been given. Postpartum depression is very common in mothers who have babies in the NICU. It is important to be aware that many symptoms may not surface until after you are home with your baby, taking you by surprise! This makes recognizing the symptoms of postpartum depression important, if you feel any of the following for more than three weeks, reach out for help:

• Exhaustion - you feel tired and overwhelmed by everything that you need to do

• Inability to sleep - even when you are so tired you feel like you could pass out, you have difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep

• Loss of appetite - you don’t feel like eating or you aren’t hungry

• Sadness and mood swings - you feel like you are sadder than you should be or you feel like your emotions are more than you can manage

• You know something is wrong - you just don’t feel right and it doesn’t make sense

Anxiety

When you have a baby that is in the night, feeling fearful and anxious can become a way of life. Every germ, every new person, every touch could be a potential threat to your baby’s already fragile health. The constant beeping of monitors, nurses and doctors coming in and out at all hours of the day and night… it can all make you feel a little crazy! Anxiety and stress affect many NICU parents (while their child is still admitted and even once they go home), it can look like:

• Nervousness - you are acutely aware of all of the things that can go wrong and you feel like you are constantly waiting for them to happen

• Fearfulness - you are scared, you are worried about what your baby is feeling, you constantly feel the powerlessness of having a baby in the NICU, you may have witness some terrifying and terrible things

• Anger/Irritation - you can’t stop feeling annoyed, you are mad at the people around you or the situation you find yourself in

• Disconnection - you might feel like “this can’t be happening” or “this isn’t real” or “this can’t be possible”

PTSD

It is possible that you may even be experiencing symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) following your baby’s experience in the NICU. This can look like:

• Intrusive memories – having flashbacks or feeling like you’re reliving the experience over and over again

• Avoidance and numbing – trying not to feel the intense emotions that you fear you might

• Increased anxiety & emotional arousal – Feeling like you can’t relax because something bad might happen.

How to Get Help

If you have experienced or are currently experiencing any of these symptoms following your motherhood journey in the NICU, please know that you can reach out for help and healing is possible! Libby Marler, LPC-Intern specializes in maternal mental health and is here to walk alongside you in your transition to motherhood.